Season 1

Brian S. (Butch)

Carson Kressley: Look at you! Are you just the handyman or the victim?

Jai Rodriguez: This is like a— Oh my god I think… I think I broke the wall… and I don’t think it matters.

Thom Filicia: I mean it looks actually like you’re nuts. And if you weren’t here to represent yourself, I’d think that, pretty much, we’d found him and I’d call the police.

Kyan Douglas: You know what I like about disposable razors? They’re disposable. throws them all away

Carson: You know, I was always the last kid picked in dodge ball. They were like, “Um, okay we’ll take Sharon. Now we’ll take the girl in the iron lung and… you guys get Carson.”

Butch: Would you like some soy sauce with that?
Carson: There was already some soy sauce in it.
All groaning: Oh, god!
Carson: Was it soy sauce or boy sauce? I can’t remember.

Carson: We’re not here to change you, we’re here to make you better.

Carson: I used to have hair just like yours. But I also used to be named Louise and I lived in Germany.

Butch: referring to his sleeves I like ’em straight.
Carson: I like ’em straight, too, but it usually doesn’t work.

Carson: This is a Hollywood tan. Right now he’s got a Dollywood tan.

Carson: Look at this! You put a living room where the crack den used to be!

Kyan: This guy’s kinda hot.
Carson: That guy is kinda hot. I think he just touched his ass.

Jai: Oh wait, there’s some announcement.
Carson: Or some Greek dancing.

Ted Allen: He was working that room like a Kennedy!

Adam Z.

Carson whispering: I see straight people!

Thom: It’s harrhible!

Carson: I said walk. Not… march like a weird little troll.

Tom K.

Ted: I’m sensing kind of an alcohol situation here. And botulism.

Carson after finding a pair of women’s underwear : I don’t remember ever getting drunk here.

Carson: I need a ritalin smoothie to remember all this.

Carson: Jesus Christ, superstar!

Carson upon seeing Lisa: There’s a hooker in Trenton who wants her boots back.

Lisa: I thought they would have made you into some corporate yuppie type.
Carson: Who are we? The five fags from IBM?

John B.

Carson: What is this, your ying and your yang? Can we see your ying and your yang?

Carson: When was all your furniture repossessed, then?
Thom: Were you robbed?
Carson: Do you have bad credit, or just bad taste?

Thom: Do you know what minimalism is? Minimal? Like minimal is real clean.
John B.: Yeah.
Thom: This is bleak.

Carson: Where’d you get this?
John: Um… Kmart.
Carson putting his hand over John’s mouth: Don’t use that kind of language around me.

Carson: You’re kind of like… not George Strait. George Gay.
Kyan Douglas nodding thoughtfully: I like that… George Gay.

Carson: If she doesn’t marry you, you get to marry one of the five of us. Isn’t that great? So it’s a win/win situation!

Carson looking at John’s sparkly shirt: Somewhere in Omaha there’s a rave missing a shirt.

John tells Thom he was thinking of putting a cat run in his livingroom
John: Like I said I have two cats, and I wanted to actually put a cat run— ‘Cause you know how cats like to—
Thom interrupting: That’s a really really really bad idea.

John B.: People say I look like Keanu Reeves.
Kyan: Really? People say I look like Keanu Reeves.
Carson: People say I look like Ellen Degeneres!

Carson: What does Tina got that I don’t? Besides a working vagina?

Vincent T.

Thom using a child’s telephone: It’s 1984. They want all their decorations back.

Vincent: I was just thinking about something. What are the other three guys doing back at my house?
Ted: Back at your house they’ve probably loaded up the spraying painter and are painting your house pink.

Vincent: Can I put my clothes back on?
Kyan: Ye— second thought Mmm.

Carson: It’s glitterous. You know what that rhymes with.

Carson: It’s very nice up here. It’s kind of smooth here, and sandpaper-y here. It’s very scratch-n-sniff.

Carson: He’s built like an Easter egg.

Carson: If the hallway got her going with two thumbs up, wait ’til she sees the mirrors on the bed.

Carson: They’re like, “Wow, those gays are smart. Shaving cream.”

Thom: He’s getting— he’s getting better.
Carson: No, we’re just getting drunker.

Andrew L.

Jai: You guys I found a book about gay people! The Rainbow Goblins!

Carson: You don’t have a complete inventory of all your couture?

Carson: Oh look! My God. Just when I thought there was no more plaid left in the universe.

Carson referring to Andrew: I heard he’s hung like a bee.

Carson finds a videotape: This a cooking tape, it’s about girls who like to eat stuff. {pops tape in}
Ted: He’s doing all the eating!
Carson: I don’t think this is cooking.

Carson: Look! It’s plaid droppings! You just marked your way in case you get lost.

Carson: For days and days I thought, “Who’s the homeless Guy.” And they’re like, “No he’s part of the crew.” And I thought, “Oh, I thought he was here to steal the camera.”

Andrew: So this spa, this isn’t like, a bathhouse, or anything, is it?
Kyan: No! You’ve got nothing to worry about.
Carson: There’s no sexual overtones. That’s extra.

Andrew: Did you put the gay on me?
Carson: Yep, I put the gay on you. In 24 hours you’re going to be buying flip-flops.

Carson: It takes a village, jackass.

Carson: Do you like this?
Andrew: Yeah, it looks like a pitcher shirt.
Carson: Pitcher. Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

Andrew: Do I look like Ben Affleck?
Carson: You look like Ben & Jerry Affleck.

Carson whispering to a shirt in a plastic case: Hold on! Mommy’s gonna send for help. You stay right there.

Carson is instructing Andrew on putting in contacts
Carson: You want to use a dry finger. Sometimes a dry finger is good. Hold it erect. If you need to use two fingers you can.

Andrew to Carson: Don’t put your finger in my mouth though. I know where that finger’s been.

John V.

Carson: Staten Island: the aluminum siding capitol of the world.

Thom: This room is just stupid.

Ted grabbing Jai to face the camera: Turn around, turn around, turn around.
Jai sheepish: I was eating their food.
Ted: What are you eating, Jai?
Jai: I was eating their food.
Ted: And who does that food that belong to?
Jai: Them.
Ted: It belongs to John and Ayana.
Jai: It belongs to the straight people.

Kyan: Hey, Jai, I found the culture. It’s in the bottom of the toothbrush holder.

Ayana: The vagina is leaving the nest.
Thom: No, no, no, we’ve got Jai.

Carson: I love fried chicken, but Barry Sanders is dead!

Carson: You’ve got more terry in here than the West Village.

Carson to Ayana: Love you more than my luggage!

Carson: I could have fled the scene like, so many times by now.

 

John: This is so embarrassing. To be standing next to a gay guy in skivvies… disposable skivvies.
Kyan: Hey, you’re no Prince Charming either, big guy.
John: I’m not even looking at you. I don’t want to look that way.
Kyan looks shocked and offended: Are you serious? What’s gay about that? I mean over here it’s gay, but what’s gay about that?
John: ‘Cause I’m in skivvies next to gay guy… you just don’t understand.

later
Kyan: Can you make his penis look bigger?
John: Guy, why are you looking at my penis? {Kyan cracks up.}

Carson meeting Ayana: Hi, Peanut.
Ayana: Are we ready for our covert operation?
Carson: Your boyfriend’s been upstairs working my last gay nerve.

Carson: You look like a million dollars. Canadian dollars, but a million dollars.
Ted helpfully: It’s still a lot!

Thom: Now why is it a man quiche? Because obviously a gay man would ever use that much cream?
Carson: Exactly.

John has a smear of lotion on his cheek
Carson: He might wanna rub that little bit in there.
Ted: It’s very There’s Something About Mary.
Carson: There’s something about John Verdi.

John is making the man quiche and it is not going well
Ted: You know, he did a great job cooking it, but now he looks like he’s about to mangle it.
Boys are cringing at the disintegrating quiche
Ted: No wait, no wait. It actually—
Kyan: We have a situation.
Ted: No, let me explain— quiche breaks in half
Carson: No, it’s not okay.
Ted: It may not be okay.

John has a smear of lotion on his cheek
Carson: He might wanna rub that little bit in there.
Ted: It’s very There’s Something About Mary.
Carson: There’s something about John Verdi.

John: Those also accent your boobages.
All: Boobages!
Carson: What a romantic! wipes tear from eye

Thom: She’s not as happy as she should be, because when she left it was a tragic basement.

Thom: Can you believe they were talking about cruelty to animals, and they have a red leather sofa the size of a Volkswagen?

Carson: He’s acting gayer than I am.

Carson: She’s doing that dry-chew, can’t swallow thing.
Ted: Why does everyone do that when they eat my food?

Carson: See in our community that’s frowned upon. When you have a big brown wad of something on your finger. “Let me… get rid of that.”

John: Thanks to the five guys I feel like… like I’ve got a spark in my pants.
Thom: That had nothing to do with me! I had nothing to do with a spark in his pants!

George K.

Ted: I think he’s got a transgendered thing going.
Thom: He’s got a transtragic thing going.

Kyan on George’s hair: Even Bon Jovi knew when the moment was over, though.

Ted: Oo. Mushrooms in a can. Dee-licious!

Thom: With all these mirrors I’m amazed that you still have that hair.

Thom: George, you’re a damn kleptomaniac! If I stole my mother’s furniture, I would never ever ever have a chance of getting laid.

Ted: One of the first illustrations that your refrigerator needs some adjustment is when your milk transitions from a liquid to a solid.

Thom: Look at this. He keeps his Victoria Secret catalog next to the dictionary. Wow she’s very very… pauses to look in dictionary Voluptuous.

Thom: You got shot. I think she has an idea you really really like her.

Carson: Now you’re in for a real workout. Shopping’s my cardio.

Carson: Here are some things I pulled when I was thinking of you. *leading George over to a table with magazine clippings on it* I pulled some other things while thinking about you but were not gonna get into that.

Seeing the made-over George
Carson: You took away Xena and you brought us a Baldwin!

Carson: How do you like that, I got the straight guy into the closet.
Kyan: It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Thom: The tough part is getting him out of the closet.

A swan blocks the boy’s view of George in the shower
Carson: Those darn swans!

Jai: I don’t know if you’ve picking up on it, but the entire night her body language has been saying, “I am so into you.”
Carson: Ray Charles could pick up on it.

Josh D.

Carson: Did you see he has a 14-size shoe? You do the math.

Ted: You know if you take some dried-up pepper and a beer. Cuisinart? pause I got nothing.

Ted: It looks as if your preparing for some unforeseen disaster in the future.
Josh:Well these are uncertain times.
Ted: I don’t know if they’re uncertain enough to eat salmon from can.

Thom: You know what, we’re laying in a random guy’s bed.
Carson: I know. Feels like old times.

Jai: That is reefer if I’ve ever seen it.
Thom upon seeing “tomato” plants on Josh’s balcony: I had a t-shirt with a tomato plant leaf on it very similar to that.

Thom: I can’t believe I’m going to say this, because it’s not something I say often in my line of work, but my favorite thing in your livingroom is your fire hydrant.

Carson: Tonight’s about Angie. Tomorrow can be about you and me, but tonight’s about Angie.

Carson: Point out the footwear, quick! No whammies, no whammies, no whammies, stop! Josh points. Wrong answer.

Carson: What’s the magic word is?
Josh: Please?
Carson: No… screams NOW!
Josh: NOW!

Carson cuddling with Josh and Kyan: Look it’s a manwich!
Kyan nodding: It’s a manwich.
Carson: More than a meal.

Ted: I hope he doesn’t rush too much shucking the oysters or he might shuck his hand off. That would be a shucking tragedy.

Carson: This is like a bad episode of Soul Train with really bad dancing white people.
Thom: No Soul Train.

Tom M.

Ted: The theme in the kitchen appears to be: A bomb went off.

Thom: Even though you’re 6’6″ you look like a fag. We’re gonna ship this off to Josh Schwartz in Boca.

Thom: What was Jack Tripper’s friend on Three’s Company?
Carson: Shall we put these and go to Regal Beagle?

Tom M: I need like five gay men to come to my house!
Jai looks at Thom and smiles.
Thom: You know I say that all the time!

Thom is wearing pink wings
Jai:Those wings make your ass look so fierce.
Thom: Don’t it though? Do these wings make my ass look big?

The boys create a huge pile of furniture
Ted: Anybody got a match?

Ted holding up handcuffs: Are you involved in law enforcement or is this some kind of a kink thing?
Tom: Oh my god, where did you find those?
Ted: I think that answers my question.

Thom examining a large stain on the rug:We can’t get rid of the rug. This is where his wife gave birth to his first daughter.

Kyan is examining Tom’s blow-dryer.
Kyan: I know all about good blow jobs, and this isn’t it.

Carson about the carpet stain: Let’s just try and shout it out. OUT! GET OUT!

Carson: We sold your children to pay for the furniture. I think you’ll find it’s a better investment in the long run.

Carson: What is that? Wasabi paste?
Ted: That’s a lot of wasabi.
Thom: The kids are going to love that.
Carson: That’s gonna shut the party down like a bad ferris wheel.

Ted: I don’t know if I’d eat this man’s raw fish.
Carson: It’s all fun and games ’til someone gets SARS.

Carson: Man, the little one’s a tough customer.
Jai: Yeah, he’s a tough cookie.

Carson: You know why they call them board games? snore. Bored.

Tom: Let me tell you I’m going to have a sushi buffet. That’s the theme.
Carson: Sushi Buffet. That sounds like a drag queen.

Alan C.

Carson gouges Ted with a bottle opener
Carson: It’s not a deep wound. I used to be a nurse in the army.
Ted: It’s only a flesh wound!

Jai: Idiot’s Guide to Beer. Who’s that much of an idiot that they need a guide to beer?

Jai singing: Five gay men, cleaning one house. One straight man, that’s all it takes. Just one dirty straight man…
Ted singing: …and five gay men…

Ted: Life is to short to drink cheap booze.

While talking to Alan about the cocktail party they want him to throw:
Ted: Well what you want to do is have your parents meet Katie’s parents. And you want to impress them. Well, they’d probably be less impressed with a keg than I would be.

Thom: Has anyone seen the lighter fluid?
Carson: Oh, good idea.

Holding out a penny
Carson: C’mon it’s a penny. You could live on this for like a week.

Jai rushing the boys out the door: C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon. Shutting the door. I’m so glad they’re gone… I’m kidding.

Watching Alan pour Katie’s dad a drink.
Kyan: Oh my goodness. 2/3 gin, 1/3 tonic.
Ted: What’s wrong with that?
Carson: Mom’s going to be taking her top off any minute now.

Carson: Gin makes people happy.

Thom: Did you hear Katie laughing when he offered them drinks?

The parents, Alan and Katie are awkwardly silent. The Fab Five are equally silent
Jai: Say something!

Jeff T.

Kyan: I’m getting in touch with my inner Pocahontas.

Carson breaks display scissors
Thom: Oh my god. Holly Hobby’s gonna kill us.

Ted: Look! I caught a fag!

Kyan: What have we learned here today? That there is such a thing as too many dried flowers.

picking up a windmill in the front yard
Ted: Here. Let’s put this in the neighbor’s yard.

Ted: They’re grilling fish wrapped in banana leaves.
Thom: How gay is that?
Ted: nodding That is so gay.

Jeff’s college-aged son compliments the food
Thom: If you didn’t get snaps from him… that would have been ugly.

Richard M.

Carson: You know, Richard’s so formal. Let’s just say we’re looking for Dick.

Thom’s looking for a lighter
Carson: Good idea! Let’s torch the place.

Carson: Okay, everybody’s keys in the bowl.

Carson: We had Saks together. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Carson about the caterers: What a weird bunch of dinner guests. They all look like Dieter.

Thom: He’s neurotic, he’s needy… He’s like every guy I’ve ever dated!

Steve S.

Kyan: looking in the shower You could put a harness in here. Good times.

Steve: These shoes aren’t going to make me gay?
Carson: bending over Steve to put on a shoe No, but this will.

Thom: going into a store before Steve Sorry, ladies before gentlemen.

Thom: Lemme get this straight: your friend is a straight hairstylist with wicker furniture? I have a feeling he’s not telling you the whole truth.

Thom: So now we’re going to the Wicker Hut.

Kyan: You have slutty hair.
Steve: I have slutty hair.

Carson: He left the security tag on. That’s a little too Winona Ryder for my liking.

Ted: We made a girl shake. For the first time ever.

Carson: Gothic girl needs to give the tie back.

Carson: First off you’ve got a mouth like a trucker. Second, you’re mean, and third, give him his clothes back!

Thom about Gothic Girl and her piercings: She’s cool… Just probably no fun to go to the airport with.

Carson: screaming Don’t give the couture away!

Ross M.

Jai: He called you pretty boy. Are you going to take that?
Kyan: Yes… smiling Thanks.

Kyan: looking through the bathroom I know there’s got to be moisturizer here.
Kyan: showing Ross moisturizer Is this yours?
Ross: No. I’m not one for the whole moisturizing thing. Kyan sighs, exasperated
Later…
Kyan: showing Ross a facial scrub Ross, is this yours?
Ross: No. I don’t use [my girlfriend’s] stuff. Kyan sighs again
Later…
Kyan: looking at a brush I hope this is the girlfriend’s.

Thom: First of all they don’t know English. Second of all they just stupid. And C, I don’t know why this book’s about waves.

Thom: whispering and heading for the freezer Let’s have another hamburger.

Thom: You’re funny, you’re laid-back, you’re a great kisser.

Thom: Remember when you told me you’d make out with me if I got you a flat screen TV? Well pucker up, baby.

Thom: We also totally agreed you were the best kisser.

Thom: conspiratorially I put in a clear shower curtain. The door shuts on the camera.
Everyone: Awww!
Thom: For the love of God!

Carson: I love the way he works the stick of butter. It’s kind of getting me heated up.

Carson: Rimming it does help it rise, I’ve found.

Ted: Give the man a moment. He’s garnishing for gods sake!

Carson: My mother used to say, “Only whores and children wear red shoes”.

A Very Queer Eye Holiday

Tina: Everyone needs a junk drawer.
Carson: Yeah, but a junk wall?

on the video
Carson: Didn’t Thom say these squiggly mirrors needed to go?
John: Um…
back in the apartment
Thom: Harrhible!
Thom jumps on top of Tina and mock-strangles her as Ted chases John around the room.

Carson: Oh wow. That’s fiesta de salmonella!

Thom to George’s girlfriend : Wait a minute. Are you in morningwear? So much for the white dress!

Kyan: Ted, really. You shouldn’t be running around like that at your age.

to Butch’s friend
Thom: Now, you’re married?
Butch’s friend: I have a girlfriend.
Thom: Oh! pause Does she know about Butch?

Thom: Run like a woman, Ted! Run!

Ted giving a tip while sitting on a very sexy Santa’s lap: The fruitcake. A holiday tradition. But then so is sitting on laps in department stores. When you’re giving the gift of food, consider giving something people would actually want to eat. looks at Santa meaningfully

Ralph S.

Carson with his head covered: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen.

Carson: Lions and tigers and bad taste, oh my!

Ralph correcting Ted on hand signs: That means I love you in sign language. This means rock and roll.
Kyan giving Ralph the middle finger: You know what this means? Clean your toilet!

Kyan: finding baby wipes: You’ll use baby wipes on your ass but you won’t moisturize your face? Get out of here!

Thom: This table is completely tragic.

Carson: You always have to look your best, even at home, because you never know when a striking Jehovah’s Witness is going to come to your door.

Carson: You know how skin can get big… and then contract.

As they exit
Carson: Rock and roll!
Thom: Don’t kill anybody!
Kyan: Lay off the strippers!

Ted: Jai, I think my pants just came unzipped. Can you help me out with that?

Carson about the dancing strippers: Hey, Jai! That’s how you dance!

Carson about the g-strings: Hey, I think I need some dental floss.

Kevin D.

Thom: Dude, you’re living like … like a crazy person!

Ted: The last supper clock. Wow.

Thom: I wanna go home!

Kyan: His inspiration was Johnny Depp. Were you high?

Kevin: Gay guys rule!

Thom: It’ll fit! Put the damn ring on!

Warren L.

Ted: When you look at this color, what feeling does it evoke?
Thom: Must die now.

Thom: It’s like taking a wire hanger from the cleaners and faux-painting it wood.

Carson: Tucking is so last week.
Warren: Mother tuckers!

Ted: I’m so tempted to throw this [glass] across the room right now. But it would probably freak people out.

Warren tastes the anti-nail biting polish on his nails.
Thom: That’s like buying mace and being like, “Let’s see if this works.”

Carson: Put down the monkey and get ready!!

John Z.

Thom: These are harrhible!
John: Sylvia and I made them.
Thom: These are delightful!

John’s plate matches Kyan’s heart t-shirt
Kyan: I heart your plates.

Carson: Here’s a tip for you: when buying a velour tracksuit, stop.

Carson accidentally squirts miscellaneous ointment onto Ted’s shirt
Carson: I didn’t know I was so close.

Jai: John, this is the most boring porn I’ve ever seen. Ever.

Ted: And he’s already pounding the liquor. An athlete after my own heart.

Thom: Trying to get an Italian woman out of the kitchen is impossible.

Carson: They should just stay home and make sweet, sweet love.
Kyan: You know, they really should.

Rob M.

Rob is a phone engineer
Jai: Now does he climb the poles and stuff?
Carson: No, that’s our job.

Jai: I love it when guys put dresses in their wardrobes. It’s the right answer.

Kyan comes in draped in a shower curtain
Kyan: There’s a good lesson here.
Rob: Don’t wear your shower curtain?
Kyan: That’s one of them.

Carson: When you’re bored and there’s nothing better you can do, there’s nothing like a potato.

Thom to Ted: Keep your little weird fetishes out of this.

Rob is walking around in a towel
Thom: What if that fell off, for god’s sake?
Ted: That’d be great.

Carson about Mildred: It’s a little bit like 101 dogs go to Africa.

Ted: Do you think he has a therapist? ‘Cause I can’t do that.

James M.

Jai: We’re stressing out the straight guy! Wooo!

Jai holding up Ramen noodles: This is not food. The whole oodles of noodles with the pack of doodles?

Carson closing himself into a curio cabinet: Look! I’m a collectible!

Ted and Carson move a couch toward the window
Carson: Are we really throwing it over?
Ted: Yeah.
Carson: Okay. Don’t throw like a girl.

Carson: We’re stressy, we’re edgy. Like us running off to Belize together.

Carson: If I didn’t know you, I’d try to lure you to a wayside rest area.

Thom: Welcome to your new apartment. It’s even gayer than before.

Carson: Time is running out. My hair almost caught on fire.

Mark Fa.

Carson: You know, if you don’t have a male role model in your life, bad things can happen.
Thom: For example?
Carson: Poster Child!

Carson: Your clothes are in the basement?
Mark: Yeah.
Carson: That’s so Silence of the Lambs.

Kyan holding up shot glasses: Hey you guys, we should toast with these later.
Thom: No no no no no no. We have to get rid of those.
Kyan: Really?
Thom: Yeah.

Thom: You guys, look. This is my pile of stuff I don’t like. Is it getting too big?

Ted about Costco: They’ve got trampolines. They’ve got plastic TVs. They have tube socks… They have the greatest tube socks.

Carson about the sheets: It’s a full queen. Just like you, Thom!

Carson doing Hannibal Lechter voice: It’s lamb, Clarisse. It’s lamb.

Kyan: It’s the mullet that won’t die!

Ted: J-Ro! I’ve got a straight guy for you!

Thom: I’ve never had anyone cry over my work before.

Carson: I think she actually squeaked.

Carson: Those other two little Charlie’s Angels better shut their mouths, or they’ll ruin everything.

Carson: They’re like a white Destiny’s Child.

Lawson C.

Carson: Everyone needs to know that we made the pilot in 1979. That’s why we look so young.

Ted: Thirty’s an important time in your life. I’m looking forward to it.
Carson: Yeah. Me too.

Carson: Ted’s not wearing his glasses.
Ted: It’s true. I couldn’t see for the entire episode.
Carson: That’s why you were wearing that shirt.

James: Can you tell me what you find at all appealing about Billy Joel?

Ted reassuring Lawson: By the way, I’m the nice one.

Carson: I found it helpful when asking for wardrobe to just tell them we were making a mayonnaise commercial for the Russian Network.

Carson examining Lawson’s forehead: Oh my god. It’s an AMC Pacer!

Carson: It was like $500 worth of clothes.
Ted: That was a lot of shoplifting for you.

Carson: Let’s not worry about labels. I won’t call you a pervert if you won’t call me a big homo.

Carson: Doug knows I’m a big bisexual. Buy me something and I’ll be very sexual.

Carson: Just because you get your hair frosted doesn’t mean you’re gay. But if you frost someone else’s hair, that’s another story.

Carson: I think he put the wrong stuff… I think he put mouthwash in his hair.

Lawson steals Ted’s line
Ted: I think he stole my line.

Mark Fi.

Carson: Is his team on our team?

changing the thermostat temperature
Carson: Let’s see how you do with 69.

Mark is worried carson will throw his shirts into the fireplace
Carson: No! I would never. throws shirt into fire. Oops!

Thom watching the shirts burn: I don’t think the EPA is going to be happy about this.

Carson: There’s no “I” in team.
Mark: No.
Carson: There is an “M” and an “E” though.

Jai: Let’s go someplace new and interesting.
Carson: Ooh. I thought you were going to Hooters or something.

Jai playing virtual golf with Mark: Hey, if I kick your ass you won’t be upset, will you?

Carson holding a whistle to Mark’s mouth: Now blow me.

Kyan talking about shooting 18 holes and then grabbing a drink at the 19th: You can go to the 20th hole after that, but I won’t say a word.

Carson: Look at all of this wood. It’s definitely getting me in the mood.

Mark: I’m a very fuzzy guy.
Carson: You’re what my people call a cub.

Carson: Okay, take the sunglasses off because no one likes a blind coach.

Carson: What the hell is he talking about? This looks like new math.

Mark’s son blows the Tiffany’s whistle
Carson: That kid’s either gonna be a coach or a raver.

Jai about the parfait: He should just pass it off as a daiquiri.

Carson imitating the wife’s reaction: “Those rascally gays moved our dining room!

What’s That Sound: The Making of the Queer Eye Music Video

Carson: Oh! We just ran over a pedestrian.

Ted singing: You came into my life, and my world never looked so bright. Something something something, something something something.
Thom: It’s better when she does it, somehow.

Carson: Freeze!
Ted: That was so Angie Dickinson.

Crew member: He has a beautiful woman to gyrate with.
Jai: Let’s leave Carson out of this.

The cast and crew take a break
Kyan: We could do a little power shopping.

Thom: We’re not gay.
Ted: Because we don’t date anyone.

A scene from the video: the boys are stuck in a traffic jam
Jai: Thom, why did we take the bridge?
Thom: Feel free to put your floaters on and swim, Punkin.