War at the Roses

Gossip Girl: Rise and shine, Upper East Siders. It’s officially fall. And when the leaves start to turn, we know it’s time for B’s birthday. We hope Serena will be there to celebrate, but we hear she’s having her own private party with a professor.

Serena: So you’re from Maine.
Colin (Sam Page): I grew up on a boat. Not a yacht, a trawler. My family’s in lobsters.
Serena: I love the Deadliest Catch.

Dorota: Happy to have you home, Miss. Eleanor.
Eleanor (Margaret Colin): You didn’t think I would miss throwing my only child a 20th birthday party.
Blair: Mother you do know that my actual birthday isn’t until next week, don’t you?
Eleanor: Twenty-three hours of labor, I am not likely to forget.

Rufus: So you seemed pretty eager to get together this morning.
Dan: What? Your first anniversary’s a big deal. And I figured maybe you could use my help planning, and maybe I needed to get out of the house. Vanessa just got back from the commune.
Rufus: You guys talk?
Dan: Well if saying “hey” and “excuse me” counts as talking. The worst thing is, she tried to get back into campus housing but, ah, the deadline passed.
Eric: So now you’re roomies with your ex.

Dan: Hey, how would you and Lily feel about celebrating with a nice family road trip?
Rufus: Actually we decided to order in tonight. Just have a quiet evening alone.
Dan: I thought you said it was really important to celebrate with the whole family.
Rufus: We did but Jenny has a big test she has to study for, can’t make it back to the city, and it doesn’t feel right having a family celebration without her.
Eric: I know the first wedding anniversary’s supposed to be paper but that’s not really an excuse to eat out of cartons.

Dan: What class has a test on a Saturday?
Eric: That would be Fear of Chuck and Blair 101.
Dan: You know after the year we’ve had, I think it would mean a lot to my dad and Lily to get the family together. There’s gotta be a way that we can get Jenny to come in, right?
Eric: Maybe Chuck could help.
Dan: Right. Like he did last time?
Eric: He loves my mom. And as long as Chuck and Blair are at war he’s on our side.

Blair: What is he doing here?
Chuck: What is she doing here?
Blair: And who brought the Avon Lady?
Nate: She’s a court stenographer. And there’s a notary on the way.
Serena: We’ve witnessed the Waldorf-Bass wars firsthand. We know you both. You have nuclear capability.
Nate: Sooner or later one of you is going to press the other’s button and we’re going to end up with nothing but cockroaches.
Chuck: You know we’re way ahead of you.
Blair: Yeah. We’re in a truce.
Serena: Which is why we figured you wouldn’t have a problem making it official. A peace treaty. Based on more than just a handshake.
Nate: So that’s why we’re going to sit down and hammer out the provisions of a cease fire.
Serena: And if either of you decides to break the treaty—
Nate: He or she will be ex-communicated. We’ll no longer be your friends.
Blair: Well I suppose as I leave my teens that I should start to think about my legacy.
Chuck: I have no objection to order in the kingdom. Let the negotiations begin.

Chuck: If you give me the Standard on weeknights I’ll give you the Carlyle for the entire Christmas season.
Blair: Done. But I want an addendum that you can’t bed hostesses from a roster of restaurants I frequent.

Chuck: You can’t have Fashion Week in both Paris and Milan. You have to choose.
Blair: Never. But. I will give you Art Basel in Miami and Switzerland.

Serena: Okay, moving on to Article 47: Strip Clubs in the Outer Burroughs.
Blair: Sidebar.

Serena: Why are we sidebarring? Do you really want access to strip clubs?
Blair: No, I just don’t want to seem like I’m ceding territory too easily. So pretend we’re talking about something serious. Like my birthday. Or, have you figured out that anniversary situation?
Serena: B, what can I do? They’re already planning a family thing.
Blair: Unacceptable. Just like that sex glow you’re sporting.
Serena: There was no sex. Just coffee.
Blair: Coffee is the thing you have before you pay the check to go have sex.
Serena: It’s different. Colin is—
Blair: Our professor. The one you promised to stay away from except where class is concerned.
Serena: Which is why we’re only meeting during office hours.
Blair: You are one macchiato away from making the same mistake that you always make, and I won’t be an accomplice. Especially not on my almost birthday.
Serena: Okay, fine. Then I won’t mention him anymore.

Nate: So that concludes the treaty.
Blair: Actually there’s one more point I want to negotiate. In private. Attorneys are dismissed.

Eric: Of course. Chuck and Blair go to war and end up happier than ever. Leaving Jenny and our family in a pile of rubble.
Dan: It figures. Rubble’s their specialty.
Eric: Although. Peace time would be the perfect opportunity for a stealth strike. Oh come on, how good would it feel to finally give them a taste of their own medicine? Not that we’re the ones to give it to them.
Dan: Hold on a second, what’s wrong with us? I mean I’ve picked up a few skills over the years and you come from a long line of world class schemers. We have righteousness and our parents’ anniversary on our side.
Eric: No offense Dan, we are no match for Chuck and Blair.
Dan: Mm. I don’t know about that.

Gossip Girl: Seems like leaves aren’t the only things changing colors this fall.

Eric: It’s genius is in its simplicity.
Dan: We break the truce, drive a wedge between them. And once the peace is off Chuck will be primed to help Jenny in retaliation.
Eric: Okay, so what would enrage Chuck Bass? His maybe-mother, his late father— Jack Bass.
Dan: That’s perfect. Gossip Girl will be thrilled to hear about a secret fling with Jack and Blair last summer in the South of France. Or how they’re planning to do it again this Christmas.
Eric: Nice touch. Are you sure we aren’t really related?

Eric: Let’s see how strong the Holy Alliance is after this air strike.

Serena: Let’s be honest, we may sit across from each talking about bagels versus brioche, but all we’re thinking…
Colin: Is what it would be like to have breakfast in bed.
Serena: Okay, as much as it kills me to say this no more office hours. I just can’t be alone in a room with you. So other than class, I’ll see you in six weeks.
Colin: Other than tonight. The dean just emailed that my presence is requested at a party. Apparently at your place.

Serena: Did you invite the entire Columbia faculty to your party tonight?
Blair: I may have invited the dean and whomever she favors. Why do you care? You’re not going.
Serena: Well the anniversary party was cancelled so yes I am. And now it turns out so is Colin.
Blair: Unless you mean Firth or Farrell I’m not listening.

Dan: Chuck. Hey man, I was just stopping by to see Nate but I guess he’s not here.
Chuck: He’s in his room.
Dan: Oh he is? He’s… not in class? I would have thought—
Chuck: You don’t really know how to stage a run-in, do you? Cut to the chase.
Dan: Well, uh, since Blair betrayed you with your uncle I thought maybe you could betray her back. Call my sister, offer her protection.
Blair: Well you’re just about six months late for that, aren’t you Humphrey?
Dan: Hey, I uh… I didn’t expect to see you here. I assumed—
Blair: That Chuck and I would be back at war after that silly Gossip Girl blast? It was obviously fake.
Dan: What gave you that idea?
Blair: We have enemies, Humphrey. All powerful people do.
Chuck: We anticipated someone would try to mess with us.
Blair: And this handiwork has your lying little sister’s fingerprints all over it. Besides, Jack Bass wasn’t in France last summer, he was in Chile.
Chuck: Again, how did you know that?
Blair: I must have read about it somewhere.
Chuck: Regardless, this incident inspired us to write an addendum to the treaty. The notary just left.
Dan: Wait a second, there’s a treaty? Like an actual legal document?
Humphrey, the intricacies of our war games are too complex for [] like you to fathom.
Blair: As an additional gesture of trust, Chuck I would like to invite you to my birthday party this evening.
Chuck: I gratefully accept.
Blair: And since Gothic Barbie remains safely quarantined upstate, feel free to stop by. If you’re feeling lonely.

Gossip Girl: Uh oh, Juliet’s plans are falling into place. And S is primed for a fall.

Gossip Girl: Nate thought he and Humphrey were thick as thieves. Turns out Humphrey’s a thief and Nate’s just thick.

Blair: You put gladiolas in my cabbage roses? The Waldorfs is not a Best Western. Get them out!

Blair: How’s the guest list coming?
Eleanor: Everyone who’s anyone will be here. But I couldn’t help but notice a certain Charles Bass has been added to the list. Blair. We don’t need any trouble.
Blair: He’ll be no trouble, Mother. He and I are good.
Eleanor: Yeah. So good you have been berating the help all day.

Blair: Dorota, what’s going on with me?
Dorota: You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck so you fight with everyone else.

Eric: That’s their biggest secret? I was expecting something a little bit more American Psycho. Not stabbing a homeless man but at least feeding a cat to an ATM.
Dan: A birthday surprise may be in order. I think all it’ll take is a couple of calls.
Eric: Look, Dan. I know we want Jenny to come in for the anniversary but she fought back last week and nearly lost everything she learned. You told her that yourself. Maybe we shouldn’t risk the same.
Dan: No, we should. They deserve it. They’re smug and they are condescending. They have treaties. And we’re doing it for Jenny.
Eric: Dan we tried and it didn’t work. I’m out. I hope you are too.

Gossip Girl: Looks like Brooklyn’s in it to win it. Just what is it exactly? Guess we’ll find out tonight.

Rufus: I was happy with eating Shun Lee out of a carton, Lil. This is all just very Upper East Side.
Lily: I know you think you’re rock and roll, but you are wearing a two thousand dollar jacket.

Eleanor: I could kill the caterer. The appetizer tray looks like a Rorschach Test.

Blair: Why are you talking to that horrible Juliet and what are you doing here with Nate?
Serena: Well you’ll be happy to know that Colin and I—
Blair: Hey! My ears don’t register his name.
Serena: —are trying to stay away from each other which is why I brought Nate as a buffer. And since you won’t listen to my Colin problems I had to go to Juliet for advice.
Blair: Serena. Do you have amnesia? Juliet isn’t your friend.
Serena: She’s actually proven to be a pretty good friend since she saved me from Vanessa’s takedown.
Blair: Oh please. If I want to hear fiction I’ll go talk to Jonathan Franzen. In fact…. she walks off.

Rufus: Son, what are you doing here?
Dan: I could say the same to you. I thought you were going to be having your romantic night. At home. Alone.
Eric: Eleanor convinced them to come and be among friends.
Dan: Oh no. But you can’t stay here. It’d be bad luck. Everything here is on china and crystal. You gotta go home and celebrate on paper plates as planned.
Lily: You know I am surprised that you are so superstitious, Dan.
Rufus: Let’s face it, our plan to stay home was pretty depressing. Let’s go check out those cookies in the shape of Blair’s shoes.

Dan: Why didn’t you warn me they were coming?
Eric: I didn’t think I needed to. You didn’t actually go through with it, did you? Oh you did.

Chuck: Just one more thing before you go. I was wondering, how did you know where Jack was?
Blair: I think I must have read it online.
Chuck: That’s strange. Last I heard he was off the grid.
Blair: If you’ll excuse me, I’m entertaining.

Nate: So that is the guy that Juliet broke up with me for. He just lied to my face.
Blair: Juliet’s dating him too?
Nate: Too?
Blair: So is Serena. I knew that Juliet was evil. I have to go warn Serena.

Nate: If you left me for that guy you can say so. I mean why is it such a big secret?
Juliet: It’s not what you think. Now if you don’t mind.
Nate: No first you’re going to tell me what’s going on. You’ve lied to me enough.
Juliet: He’s my cousin, Nate. And the reason we don’t want people to know is because he’s a teacher and I’m a student.
Nate: And he’s dating Serena.
Juliet: Oh my god.

Dorota: She borrow my tiara. She not give it back yet. But that’s okay. She is 20 she deserve 20 tiaras. She has great heart, style and grace. Even when she get mad. Happy Birthday Miss Blair!

Rita (Savannah Wise): Luckily, Robin was working with me in New York this week and able to bring along a very special video of Blair.
Tiffany: What is it?
Penelope (Amanda Setton): A Jack Bass sex tape?
Tiffany: A Nelly Yuki snuff film?

Blair: It only takes one video to topple an entire career. If you don’t believe me just YouTube “connie chung piano”.

Chuck: Blair just listen to me.
Blair: Why did you do it? Because I knew Jack was in Chile last summer? I only found out because I was desperate for news of you.
Chuck: You were?
Blair: All summer. When I was pretending not to care. I wanted to know where you were. I paid a private eye to look but the only Bass he got was your scaly uncle.
Chuck: Blair as much as I hate being at peace with you I didn’t do this.
Blair: If you can stand there and lie to my face then you’re either pure evil or just a common sociopath.
Chuck: You really believe that?
Blair: Of course I do. And even if Nate and Serena peeked at the treaty you’re the only one with a motive.
Dan: Actually there was someone else.
Chuck: Is this a joke?
Blair: You did this?
Dan: My sister doesn’t feel safe to live in her own house or be with her parents on their anniversary. She was a different person before she met the two of you.
Nate: Come on Dan. It’s not about Jenny. It may have started out that way but this is about you getting revenge. And you went behind my back to get it.
Dan: I know Nate, but come on. They deserve what they get. I’m not sorry.
Rufus: No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry you’ve become one of them.
Chuck: Blair, we had a treaty.

Juliet: Okay, we have a big problem. Serena’s professor is Colin. Our cousin Colin.
Ben: What’s the problem?
Juliet: He has no idea what we’re doing. If he finds out I will lose everything.
Ben: Don’t tell me about losing everything.
Juliet: I’m sorry. I know that there’s no love lost between you two, but I need him. He pays for my school, my rent.
Ben: What you need is to get Serena caught with her professor. Whoever he is. Did you get the proof like we talked about?
Juliet: Not yet, but Ben he obviously has no idea who she is. That she’s the one responsible for all—
Ben: It’s because she’s responsible that you have to do this. It is the only way to make things right. It is the only way for our family to ever move on. Now please, Jules, get the proof. And get Serena expelled.

Eleanor: You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman. Just need to think maybe about how many people are going to be around next time you let her out.

Vanessa: Hey.
Dan: So I wrecked Blair’s birthday and I betrayed Nate, I disappointed my dad. And as the icing on the cake I pretty much ruined his and Lily’s anniversary.
Vanessa: Other than that, how was your night?
Dan: It was Blair’s 20th birthday party and I’m still acting like an eighth grader. Oh my god. Is it possible the Upper East Side is contagious?
Vanessa: I think we’ve proven that it is. We just need some rest and a good dose of Brooklyn.
Dan: Thanks for being here.
Vanessa: We’ve been friends forever. That’s not going to change.

Gossip Girl: At the end of every war, the warriors come home. Hoping what they’ve seen and done won’t stay with them forever.

Colin: Anthony Patch is more tragic than Gatsby.
Serena: I can’t believe you actually read it.
Colin: Why wouldn’t I? You gave it to me.
Serena: You know I think I like you too much to do this right now. We’ve come this far. The old me would have gone farther but the new me really wants to wait.
Colin: I’m glad I know the new you. She’s a great teacher.
Serena: So, six more weeks.
Colin: Yeah. At least we stopped ourselves before we made a mess of everything. No one found out. So we’re safe.
Serena: Well in that case.

Gossip Girl: Buddha once said “It’s better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles.” But other soldiers just can’t give up the fight. And go underground to plan the next war. But it’s the true warrior who knows that wars don’t end. They simply change. And there can never be peace as long as guns are still loaded and there’s plenty of ammunition.

Blair: What are you still doing here, Chuck? I threw you out hours ago.
Chuck: I wanted to let you know the treaty is over.
Blair: Fine with me. This pretense of civility was exhausting.
Chuck: Being amicable isn’t in our blood. I’ve realized we’re not friends. Friends have to like each other. And after what happened tonight, I could never like you.
Blair: I could never like you either. In fact I hate you.
Chuck: I’ve never hated anyone more.
Blair: Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred.
Chuck: There is a fiery pit of hate burning inside me ready to explode.
Blair: So it’s settled then.
Chuck: We’re settled.

Gossip Girl: These weapons may be deadly. XOXO —Gossip Girl