The Idiot’s Lantern

Magpie (Ron Cook): Two hundred pounds overdrawn. I need a miracle.

Grandma (Margaret John): I hear they rot your brains. Rot them into soup. And your brain comes pouring out of your ears. That’s what television does.

The Wire (Maureen Lipman): Mr. Magpie. Oh Mr. Magpie. Woo hoo. Can you hear me, Magpie?
Magpie: Yes. I must be dreaming.
The Wire: Oh no, this is a dream.
Magpie: I’ve gone doolally then.
The Wire: Not at all, sweetheart. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Good. Then we’ll begin.

Rose: I thought we’d be going for the Vegas era. You know, the white flares and the—rowr—chest hair.
The Doctor: You are kidding aren’t you? You want to see Elvis, you’ve gotta go to the late 50s. Time before burgers, when they called him “The Pelvis” and he still had a waist. What’s more, you see him in style. {he rides out on a moped.} You goin’ my way, doll?
Rose: Is there any other way to go, Daddi-o? Straight from the fridge, man!
The Doctor: Ah, you speak the lingo.
Rose: Yeah, well, me, Mum and Cliff Richard movies every Bank Holiday Monday.
The Doctor: Ah, Cliff. I knew your mother would be a Cliff fan.

Rose: Where are we off to?
The Doctor: Ed Sullivan TV Studios. Elvis did “Hound Dog’ on one of the shows. There were loads of complaints. If we’re in luck, we’ll just catch it.
Rose: And that would be TV studios in what, New York?
The Doctor: That’s the one. {a double-decker bus goes by.}
Rose: Diggin’ that New York vibe.
The Doctor: Well… this could still be New York. I mean, this looks very New York to me. London-y New York, mind. But…
Rose: What are all the flags for?

The Doctor: Is this 1953?
Magpie: Last time I looked. Time for a lovely bit of Pomp and Circumstance. What we do best.

Rose: Look at all the TV aerials. Looks like everyone’s got one. That’s weird, my nan said tellys were so rare they all had to pile into one house.
Magpie: Not ’round here, luv. Magpie’s marvelous tellys. Only five quid a pop.
The Doctor: Oh but this is a brilliant year! Classic! Technicolor. Everest climbed. Everything off the ration. A nation throwing off the shadows of war and looking forward to a happier, brighter future!

The Doctor: Men in black, vanishing police cars. This is Churchill’s England, not Stalin’s Russia.
Rose: Monsters, that boy said. Maybe we should go and ask the neighbors.
The Doctor: That’s what I like about you. The domestic approach.
Rose: Thank you! {pause.} Hold on, was that an insult?

Magpie: I’ve finished it. As you instructed.
The Wire: That’s awfully good of you, Mr. Magpie.
Magpie: So you’ll go soon? Leave me?
The Wire: We’ll see. If you’re a very good boy.
Magpie: Please. You’re burning me. Inside. Behind my eyes. It hurts. Even my memories hurt. I just want things back like they used to be.
The Wire: Oh but this world of yours is busy busy busy. Forging ahead into a brand new age. You can never go back. That’s your tragedy.

Rita Connolly (Debra Gillett): But Eddie, what if she’s dying?
Eddie Connolly (Jamie Foreman): I am talking! That’s better. A little bit of hush.

The Doctor: Hold on a minute. You’ve got two hands, Mr. Connolly. Two big hands. Why is it your wife’s job?
Eddie Connolly: It’s housework, innit?
The Doctor: And that’s a woman’s job?
Eddie Connolly: Of course it is.
The Doctor: Mr. Connolly, what gender is the Queen?
Eddie Connolly: She’s a female.
The Doctor: Then are you suggesting the Queen does the housework?
Eddie Connolly: No! not at all!
The Doctor: Then get busy.

The Doctor: Right then. Nice and comfy. At Her Majesty’s leisure. {to Rose} Union flag?
Rose: Mother went out with a sailor.
The Doctor: I bet she did.

Eddie Connolly: I am talking!
The Doctor: And I’m not listening! Now you, Mr. Connolly, you are staring into a deep, dark pit of trouble if you don’t let me help. So I’m ordering you, sir, tell me what’s going on!

The Doctor: Hold on a minute. There are three important, brilliant and complicated reasons why you should listen to me. One— {The officer hits him}. Hell of a right hook! Have to watch out for that.

Rose: How come the televisions are so cheap?
Magpie: It’s my patriotic duty. Seems only right that as many folk as possible get to watch the Coronation. We may be losing the Empire but we can still be proud. Twenty million people they reckon’ll be watching. Imagine that. And twenty million can’t be wrong, eh?

Rose: You gonna come clean then? What’s really in it for you?
Magpie: For me? Perhaps some peace.
Rose: From what?
Magpie: From her.

Detective Inspector Bishop (Sam Cox) standing over The Doctor: Start from the beginning. Tell me everything you know.
The Doctor: Well. For starters, I know you can’t wrap your hand around your elbow and make your fingers meet.
Detective Inspector Bishop: Don’t get clever with me!

The Doctor: I can’t help thinking, Detective Inspector, you’re not doing much detective inspecting. Are you?

Detective Inspector Bishop: Twenty years on the force, I don’t even know where to start. We haven’t the faintest clue what’s going on.
The Doctor: Well. That could change.
Detective Inspector Bishop: How?
The Doctor standing over Bishop: Start from the beginning. Tell me everything you know.

The Wire: Conduct me to my victory, Magpie.

Tommy (Rory Jennings): We don’t even know where to start looking. It’s too late.
The Doctor: It’s never too late. As a wise person once said. Kylie, I think.

Policeman: Wait wait wait. Where do we think we’re—ah! The Doctor flashes his slightly psychic paper. I’m very sorry, sir. Shouldn’t you be at the coronation?
The Doctor: They’re saving me a seat.
Tommy: Who’d he think you were?
The Doctor checking the paper: The King of Belgium, apparently.

Policeman as The Doctor runs past: You’ll get yourself killed up there! Your Majesty!

The Doctor: Rubber soles! Swear by them!

The Doctor: What have I missed?
Tommy: Doctor! What happened?
The Doctor: Sorted. Electrical creature. TV technology. Clever alien life form. That’s me, by the way. I turned the transceiver back into a transmitter and I trapped The Wire in here. I just made the home video thirty years early. Betamax. Oh look! God save the Queen, eh?

Rose: Will it… that thing, is it trapped for good on video?
The Doctor: That’s right. Just to be on the safe side though, I’ll use my unrivaled knowledge of transtemporal extirpation methods to neutralize the residual electronic pattern.
Rose: You what?
The Doctor: I’m gonna tape over it.
Rose: Just leave it to me. I’m always doing that.